We have lived in Sacramento for 5 years. We moved out here when I was a single mother and you were just 3 years old. You have grown and matured so much, and I am so proud of you. You are wise beyond your years, my dear.
Over these years, your father and I have had our ups and downs, our arguments and agreements, but above all, we've had your best interest in our hearts and minds.
Before I married Daddy Mike, I was prompted to reconcile with your father. The entire summer of 2005, I kept feeling that he and I needed to work things out, get back together and be sealed in the temple so you could be sealed to us and we could be an eternal family. Mike was a good friend to me during this time, in fact he was my best friend. I would call him when I was struggling. I tried everything in my power to work it out with your dad. I didn't understand the promptings, because I felt that your father and I were wrong for each other. But I obeyed. When the summer was coming to an end, I realized Gary wasn't going to come around, and I went to the temple and asked Heavenly Father if I could move on. The answer was yes, He was pleased with me and my efforts... Gary had his agency, and I could move on knowing I had done all I could. I could look back with no regrets.
It was at that point I asked if I could pursue something with Mike, and I realized I was in love with him. Heavenly Father granted me the opportunity to feel completely confident and guilt free in moving forward with Mike. I was so grateful for the lesson I'd learned, and for the difficult journey it took to learn it. I felt I'd grown spiritually, and I understood better how the Spirit speaks to me.
When your daddy was going to be married to Megan, he wanted to have 50/50 custody. I didn't think that was in your best interest, and we had a very difficult time agreeing on anything. After a lot of fasting, and prayer, I decided to give it to him. I can't tell you how tough it was for me to come that decision. I cried and cried and begged and pleaded with Heavenly Father not to ask it of me. I truly did not feel that it was what was best for you.
Then, knowing that Heavenly Father is the only one who knows all, I prayed and trusted Him to look after you and protect you from any adverse reactions. I gave your father 50/50 custody without going to court. We have gone nearly 8 years now without having to go through the court system. That is not something you hear every day regarding divorced couples.
Not too long after that, your daddy was going to be sealed to Megan in the temple. I had always felt, deep down, that Heavenly Father would request something of me that I thought completely impossible: to allow you to be sealed to Gary. The thing is, I didn't fully understand the covenant when I divorced your father. I was always scared, and thought that if you were sealed to him, it meant that you and I wouldn't be together in the eternities. I was wrong. The covenant is such a glorious thing. It doesn't matter who you're sealed to, all that matters is that you are sealed into the covenant as if you'd been born into it. And someday, you will marry the man you love and be sealed to him.
Again, I can't tell you the amount of tears I shed over this. I tormented myself over this decision. Gary and I had always said we'd wait until you were 18 and let you choose for yourself who you'd like to be sealed to. But how selfish of us. You deserve the blessings of the covenant. You needed those blessings NOW. I didn't want you to be put in the situation of having to choose. So, I gave what I thought the ultimate sacrifice. The opportunity to be sealed to you. As difficult as it was, I feel it was a little easier, having experienced the 50/50 bit.
Many times afterward, I would cry to Mike if Gary was giving me a hard time about something. I would say, "What more could I possibly give him??! I am spent. I am so tired. I have given so much. I can't give anymore."
This has been an emotional month for me. About one month ago, I received a prompting that we needed to move to Utah. After receiving the prompting, Daddy Mike and I prayed that we would be guided in the right direction. If we were to move to Utah, please let us know. If not, let us know that. I received a very strong confirmation that yes, indeed, Utah is where we, as a family, needed to be. A million thoughts raced through my mind, including, "How is this going to work with Gary and Hailey?" And again, I knew in my heart, I would be asked to give even more. More than I ever thought would be asked of me.
I knew that the only way we would be able to go to Utah is if I allowed Gary to have you in Sacramento for the school year, and we had you in Utah for the summers. Hailey, I cried so hard. I was sobbing. I couldn't imagine spending that much time away from you. I love you so much. I am so grateful for you. You are such a good girl. You are so wonderful. I absolutely lost it. "Really, Heavenly Father? How? How can I do this?"
All I can say is, I can see the Lord's hand in all things. I can see how giving up so much has prepared me (and hopefully you) for the time we will spend apart.
Honey, I hope this makes sense to you. I love you so much, and I am just so honored to be your mother. You are such a special, incredible spirit. I am blown away at the things you teach me, and the glorious things that have come to pass because of you.
You are an angel. I love you.
xo
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